Do I Have the Stamina To Reach My Goals? I’m Already So Damn Tired

It’s funny.  It’s taken me about 31 years to really figure out the core building blocks of how opportunities are distributed.  How a person comes to change their life.  Why certain individuals are in power and have enormous influence over others.  Why others simply have power over their own time.  I’ve figured it out, and I can duplicate the same behaviors.  We all can.

What do you think about when you step outside and feel a breeze?  When you close your eyes and the breeze hits your face…when you inhale, what are you thinking about?  How do you feel?

After these 31 years, I feel extremely tired already.  I’m exhausted.  For a second, I inhale and enjoy the quiet.  I enjoy that I actually have the opportunity to breathe in fresh air as a free man.  Then the very next second, right after I exhale and open my eyes, I see a system of structured conformity and am immediately reminded of my role as a cog in a much bigger relentless machine.

Then the newly constructed suburban brick houses that line the street don’t resemble actual homes.  They look fabricated.  They look like glorified cells.

Everything about the meticulous nature of how we keep our lawns to the stamped out facade of each house that looks just like the next stamped out box it sits next to is foreboding.  It looks fabricated – fake.  No matter how well we make the outside look, it gives us no indication of what’s happening on the inside.  Regardless of the good and/or bad memories being formed in those walls, you have to make sure the lawn is cut every week or the association might come fine you.  How embarrassing would that be?

My home is no exception.  It looks like the others.  I’m very much aware of my own complicit role in the machine I feel is at the very source of my claustrophobia.  And that’s the problem.

I know what’s at the root of the way I feel AND I see my way out, BUT my current lack of the needed resources dictates that I have to spend extra energy I feel I don’t have to get from claustrophobia to freedom.

I find myself lacking the stamina.  I’m so tired.  So sleepy.  Corporate purgatory waits for me every day.  Then I fight traffic every evening to the point that it’s not uncommon for me to doze off during the worst bumper to bumper highway bonanza or at the next red light after I finally get a chance to exit.  Every single day I am acutely reminded of how much time and energy I am forced to spend on something that gives me little in the way of return on investment.  The investment of my time.

It’s takes even more energy to be a knowing complicit accomplice in the crushing of ones daily spirit.

THEN to actively keep doing something about it, takes MORE energy that has been already been used to the max for the day.  It’s hard to stay energized for myself and my own needs.

But I have a new way of doing things, and I want to show people a different way to live.  So I have to be the example.  I can’t expect anyone else to spend the energy on themselves if I never found the necessary reserves and gave up.

I know what I have to do…but just because I know better, will I do better?

I’m trying.  But it’s hard.  And I’m tired.  And it’s showing in all aspects of my life.  Something’s gotta give and I’m not sure what it’s going to be yet, but I know I can’t keep this pace.

So…what do you think about when you step outside and feel a breeze?  When you close your eyes and the breeze hits your face…when you inhale, what are you thinking about?  How do you feel?


10 thoughts on “Do I Have the Stamina To Reach My Goals? I’m Already So Damn Tired

  1. I have always seen the corporate life much like the prison life too. You’re on a schedule. You get “rewarded for time served”… “time of for good behavior”…whoops.. PTOs.. a lunch break with some amenities to keep you comfortable. Blah blah… I don’t want to complain TOO much because it HAS been a blessing to me. It has afforded me a very nice life and some things that I could not have enjoyed otherwise. For that.. I am grateful. It also has taught me that I don’t want to be confined to a life sentence looking at parole/retirement when I can FINALLY start living the way I want to live on a daily basis. So I have it to thank for that motivation as well.

    But the tricky part when you realize that you don’t belong in such a structure.. its trappings and comforts make it a challenge to get the hell up out!!! BUT.. it’s a sacrifice. We realize that at some point, something has to give in order to get what you’re wanting. What do you want more? What choice do you have? Do you create a scenario where you struggle for a bit in order for the future promise of the breeze blowing against your skin when YOU want it to.. not when the time allows? I feel that we’ll know when the time is right. When it’s “safe” enough to disconnect and fly. You keep pushing. Your sleepiness will pale in comparison to the TIREDNESS you feel from pouring your greatest assets of time and energy into a bucket that does not yield the type of returns that leave you satisfied.

    You have just begun this journey. Some days the pull of the predictable, stable and safe will seem so much more appealing… and then there will be those days where you have energy for DAYS on tying those bed sheets together to make your big break outta dis bytch! The beautiful won’t be alone! You have assembled some inmates that are feeling the same way & we’re bustin’ loose! Keep on movin. If you’re tired – rest. But just. don’t. quit.

  2. I feel freedom when I feel a breeze because I jumped ship! I finally left the corporate machine and took a chance and I haven’t been happier. Yea I may not have a job come next April, but I know that God didn’t give me a way to reach my goals to leave me jobless for the rest of my life. Just like he brought me this opportunity…more will come. I think that understand that the constraints that society has put on your life…were really put there by your believing that they are necessary. That one must have a 401k to be secure…that one must have xyz thing to be deemed successful. I remember it clearly, but for me one day I just sat myself down and said who are you doing this for? YOU ARE NOT HAPPY?! No one lives this life but you…so who are you doing this for? And from that moment forward I was determined to live my life…on my terms…so that I can be happy. Tomorrow is not promised, so you must take care of yourself today. #YOLO (I’ve never had a moment to use that Phrase, but I think it fits lol)

    • ha! YOLO, Maggie! Great response and good for you for jumping ship!! I’m standing on the edge. I have to tell you, I don’t know too many who when they jumped either went back or said that they were miserable. You’re an inspiration!

  3. And Press On, we must! Since it gets really difficult before a BREAKTHROUGH, the pressure serves a reminder of what’s to come! I agree whole-heartedly with the article and your perspectives on our society. I am so happy to be surrounded by friends who are out- of-the box-thinkers. My crew is never satisfied with status quo. This is the very formula for greatness!

    • I feel just as lucky if not more so to have you all in my corner as well. The crab in a bucket mentality is fading for many of us and is opening new worlds of opportunity as we speak – as we live. It’s coming, but I can’t act as if I don’t struggle with the process. To be honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The harder the struggle, the sweeter the success.

      Since I’m trying to leave breadcrumbs for the next wave behind me, I feel obligated to speak to both my successes and my struggles. Let’s get it.

  4. What I feel at this moment is that you reached deep into my mind and extracted my thoughts and feelings. Or perhaps we are just connected on a level that is far deeper than we know, that we share these same thoughts about life, about the daily grind. At this very moment, you are my motivation to continue on despite that overwhelming desire to concede. I have often found myself at the brink of quitting, feeling helpless in pursuit of my dreams. It is disparaging to continually be “forced to spend [energy] on something that gives me little in the way of return on investment.” And with the daily stress of the financial shackles that bind us to that corporate purgatory, I find myself not complacent, but despondent. I want to continue to fight for what I want, what I believe, and mentally, I am ready for the challenge, but physically and spiritually, I am beyond exhausted. And yet, despite similar challenges, you press on. And then, you motivate me.

    • Genuine thanks for the comment. And thanks for the honesty. I’ve been in the corporate world for about 10 years now, and I’ve been watching/learning how this machine called success and prosperity works, and the one thing I can say for certain, is that this is a game of stamina. I’ve been developing an informal seminar/workshop around why this is such a cornerstone in the equation, and how to maintain that stamina/drive even when the returns aren’t initially what we hope them to be.

      Another project…more energy to be consumed.

      I’ve realized that this is the only path to true success and freedom though. I plan on turning your comment into its own post, so I don’t wanna get too wordy, but know this – comments like yours are EXACTLY what help refuel me to keep going. This is the whole point of my writing. The power of a community of people that push forward together is invaluable. Too often we attempt to walk this road alone, because we don’t have anyone in our immediate social circle with a similar mindset. We feel alone. But there are many of us out there. I’m honored that I help motivate you, but make no mistake – you motivate me as well.

      Now make sure you write me that guest article! Thanks again, man. I’ll be shooting you an e-mail soon.

  5. Pingback: Comments Like This Are Why I Started Writing – Motivation from One of My Readers | isomKuade

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